I acquired the impression growing up that the only path someone would love me was when I was perfect, and that included my body. So to get weight was scary to me. I literally felt like no you might want me, especially men, unless I was supermodel thin, so each time I gained weight, I panicked.
When my pants all a sudden became too tight, it sent me reeling. I’d get really down on myself, and instead of buying bigger clothes, I’d attempt to squeeze myself into my smaller sized clothes until I recently couldn’t anymore. But I recently couldn’t face the fact that I had packed the pounds on and I’d avoid getting dressed at all, or decide for much baggier clothing options. I looked ridiculous.
But my body knew that gaining weight was a tactic that worked to get my attention when it wanted it, and in place of realizing that fact, I went in the complete other direction and either ignored it and kept gaining more weight or went way overboard and went to the other extreme by over-exercising, under-eating and torturing myself overall.
I was up down, up down, with my weight for a lot of many years. And it absolutely was driven by fear. Fear to be fat, concern with nobody loving me, fear of having to buy a bigger size, fear when I did lose weight I’d just gain it back anyways so what’s the point?
And my sadistic view of food didn’t help either because there is comfort in my own skewed view about how exactly my body worked and my relationship to indian american food influencer so much so that when I started to change it, I felt fearful about stopping the belief that food was evil and made me fat!
I had arrive at rely on my fears in other words. They’d ingrained themselves into every part of me, and without realizing it, I relied to them to offer me comfort and security, and when I began to challenge them, they didn’t want it, particularly with food.
Fear will fight tooth and nail to remain alive. It’s not going to go down without a fight, and because it may be so overpowering, it’s seemingly easier to allow it win, which will be when you need to become ultra fearless and push through it because it’s the only path to take back your power and show it who’s boss.
By constantly switching my viewpoint to at least one that brought me better feeling feelings each time fear crept up into my psyche, I was able to overcome my anxiety, my fear, debt, weight. Each of it. Believe me, there have been plenty of times in the dead of night when fear might have a field day with my head, conjuring up a myriad of outcomes that scared the pants from me, and I believed I’d never get over it but that’s when I had to actually redirect the thoughts that have been creating the fear to begin with. That’s key.
When it stumbled on my weight, it wasn’t so much the food itself as it was the beliefs I had about it and what it would do to my body because the fact remains it doesn’t matter if you eat the chocolate cake or not, what matters is how you experience eating it. And should you feel fear that eating it may cause you to get weight, then you definitely will. You have to. It’s Law.